she woke up with a sticky ear
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
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That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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