My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I smell like Dick and happiness
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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