At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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