Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
