she was so not down for the gang bang
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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