I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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