I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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