I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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