he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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