i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
