i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I cockslap morals
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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