I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
