my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
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He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
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I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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