i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
