May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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