i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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