Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
