I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
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it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
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We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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