i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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