I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
