I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
