i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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