Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
