I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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