We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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