I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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