I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
