it was like his penis was on wheels.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
