I'm gonna have a badass scar
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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