so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
