I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
