No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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