going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Randomize
