My Higher Power is John Stamos
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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