I feel great
I just peed on a car
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
