I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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