so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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