I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
