I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
