So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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