Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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