Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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