maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
