We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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