Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
