he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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