note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
