Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
