it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize