The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
