my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
