my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
