if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
