I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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