the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
