Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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