it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
