I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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