Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
