Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
