Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
