so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
