i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
