You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I checked into jail on foursquare
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize